Searchers Turn To Hunt For Allenby's One Media Member Friend

Dedicated, hard-working search crews have combed all of Italy in search of the rogue videographer who chipped two of Tiger's teeth, leading to blood everywhere, and then had the gall to go into hiding before a single witness could ID this heathen (who Tiger said "didn't care" after committing the accidental act!).

Even though no witness to the act has come forward and the videographer remains holed up somewhere with the footage, the searchers only have Tiger's word to go on. Realizing the utter futility (of Tiger's word), the crews shifted halfway across the globe to comb Honolulu for Robert Allenby's kidnappers.

These brave souls took on this mission even at the risk of hunting those who took Allenby's unconscious torso, dumped it in a ditch six miles from a wine bar, went on a spending spree at a strip club, and who were so imposing that Allenby thought he might not survive the grips of. (At least in early tellings of the story before witnesses said the kidnappers turned out to be an unfortunately placed sidewalk rock, and the whole six-mile drop off was declared a figment of Allenby having watched too many Taken films).

But now Allenby has spoken to the golf media at the Waste Management Open, the same media that has betrayed the man who came forward with his traumatic story.

From John Strege's account of the press conference:

“From that, obviously the media have decided that they’re the most amazing experts at investigations. There is a reason why detectives in Honolulu are some of the best in the world. I’d really appreciate it if we’d just let them do their job and maybe we could get to the bottom of it.”

Will they be the best in the world if they continue to dispute Allenby's story? And are these the detectives?

While some might question the tact of blaming the media for a story you came forward to tell to multiple television outlets--holes and all--Karen Crouse of the New York Times called his approach "measured" in summing up Allenby's opening speech.

With nine television cameras rolling, he gave a measured opening statement.

“There has definitely been a lot of confusion,” Allenby said, “but I think the No. 1 thing that you should all remember is that my story stays exactly the same as the way I told it.” He added, “I was a victim, and all of a sudden you’re putting all the blame on me.”

Allenby rather audaciously implied that media interlopers at Golf Channel might have hacked his Facebook account, told numerous half-truths in sharing his story and suggested a lost trust with media folks that gave one of its awards to Allenby last year (he rewarded the crowd with a neverending acceptance speech).

GolfChannel.com's Jason Sobel called the press conference bizarre and featured the money quote from Allenby.

“I take full responsibility if I did do something wrong. I have no problem in the world in owning up to if I did do something wrong. … I realized that I don't have any friends in the media. Maybe one. That's it.”

And now to find out who the one is. The person is out there, writing things to Robert Allenby's liking. We know this because he said it, so it must be true.

Good luck crews! We're pulling for you. May the force of truth be with you!

Allenby's press conference, courtesy of GolfChannel.com: