The Golf Tournament Attendee’s Guide To Determining If You Have Loser Tendencies

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I do take this issue seriously, as today's Alternate Shot discussion suggests. There will be moments when losers are wagering and decide to interfere with a golf tournament outcome and if not addressed with ejections, golf tournaments will only get more unruly and even unsafe. 

However, in the spirit of trying to help losers who need attention, I'm offering a simple guide to determining if you have the kind of loser tendencies that could lead you to act in unfortunate fashion while watching a golf tournament.

I’ve worked with players, caddies, officials and other observers to develop this list. Certainly I’ve missed other signs, but I think in the spirit of Justin Thomas walking back his frustration with hecklers in the face of new losers threatening to make his life miserable, this guide could be useful.

You may have serious loser tendencies if…

  • You’ve had the urge to yell out Mashed Potatoes, Baba Booey, You Da Man or Fake News at a golf tournament during any point of your life. My Committee of experts says a mere urge is all you need to warrant certifiable, Grade A loser status.
     
  • You’ve watched every SB2k16 and 17 on Snapchat and determined from having bonded with the boys that Justin Thomas is the frat brother you always wanted and would completely endorse you sending drunken slurs his way during the final round of a multi-million dollar tour event.
     
  • You’d rather go to the Waste Management Open than The Masters and you share this pearl with anyone who will listen.
     
  • You take to Twitter to tell golf pros how soft they are because they can’t take your heckling or taunts of their girlfriends or any other sound as they are preparing to play a shot. You're really a loser when you get mad that they do not reply to your taunts.
     
  • You applaud when a streaker or any other heckler interrupts the tournament proceedings. You get extra points for admiring this year's Waste Management Open streaker
     
  • You leave your cell phone’s ringer on and ignore requests to put the device on silent even after your “Livin On A Prayer” ring tone is heard by all.
     
  • You believe in your heart that paying for a ticket entitles you to swear audibly around children, say terrible things to players, get drunk by noon and in general, act out all of your issues at a golf tournament.
     
  • You are over 40 years old with a 40 inch waist wearing a white belt and flat-brim cap inspired by your love of Rickie Fowler, who'd you also like to annoy with a taunt at some point for being rich and popular.
     
  • You go back home after the tournament and rewind the telecast to hear yourself taunt a player. Actually, that’s when you have bigger issues than mere loser status.