The Revealing 2013 Mandatory Players Meeting...

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Overcoming hideous late-80s carpeting, a less-than-choice setting in the fluorescent-drenched Hilton Torrey Pines basement ballroom, the 2013 mandatory, non-mandatory players meeting was completed in just under two hours and reports say a good time was had by all. Except those who left early citing boredom or refusing to acknowledge the assembled media.

As a belligerent press corps bickered outside the room for nearly 2 hours about deserving World Golf Hall of Fame inductees, PGA Tour players unveiled a variety of peculiar fashion choices to kick off the new year in a fierce battle to see who could best impersonate a wealthy homeless golfer.

Since no one from the USGA or PGA Tour would even talk about the tone of the meeting or acknowledge that a discussion about anchoring a large metal object against one's torso was the topic of discussion, reporters were forced to ask players their views. Always a difficult task under even the the best of circumstances, players were equally as resistant to speak.  Even as they debuted their best winter flip-flops and shabbiest t-shirts paying homage to the world's off-duty longshoreman, the PGA Tour's SVP and EVP corps appeared in their stock blue-blazered best to tell players what they planned to do regardless of the comments made at the meeting. 

"Mike Davis and Tim Finchem are very gifted public speakers," said Geoff Ogilvy, the only player present who completed a sentence and one of the few able to complete full sentences. Several others declined to speak to the media gathered in hopes of landing just one nugget from this most first world of first world discussions.

Flying in for the meeting was noted anchorer Tim Clark, sporting this winter's must-have mandatory players meeting accessory: a carry-on hard case luggage piece filled with mysterious contents that could be construed as legal documents for a player considering a lawsuit to halt the putter anchoring ban. Clark declined comment on his way out of the meeting and remains the subject of speculation that he will be grandfathered in due to a physical handicap preventing him from putting like a normal human being, as will any other player that does 7 Hail Mary's and tells Tim Finchem that he's a first vote World Golf Hall of Famer.

Though all parties declined significant or revealing comment following two hours of meeting and one slightly jovial ovation later, it was revealed that Commissioner Tim Finchem will be briefing the media in an 8:30 a.m. PT press conference.