Monty On Not Playing Lytham: "It is all the more frustrating for me not to be involved this year, as straightness has always been a strength of mine."

The ubiquitous Colin Montgomerie has been signing books, giving interviews galore and in general, is making his presence felt this week at Royal Lytham and St. Annes, almost as if he was a former champion here (or anywhere).

But the former Open runner up is saving his most ridiculous insights for Daily Telegraph columns that should give the makers of Ambien cause for concern. Two stinkers from today's preview piece:

Of course, the rough in Kent was not as tough as the stuff we have here at Lytham. But then, the Lytham rough is not as fearsome as some people have suggested. Of course, there will be a penalty for anyone who goes into it, but it is one of the fundamentals of golf that bad shots should be punished and good shots, which at Lytham means straight shots, should be rewarded. Here, I like the fact that the worst of the rough, the really deep stuff, is far off line, meaning there is an element of proportionality to the punishment as well.

Of course, that's gibberish. The setup goes like this: Fairway, intermediate cut, rough of varying heights/density, slightly mashed roughs of varying heights/density, then rough mashed a bit where the media walks and finally, mashed down rough where the fans walk. Not proportional.