"Where would we be without the Stimpmeter, a simple gadget that measures the speed of greens?"

Apparently desperate for 14 things to love about golf (get it, 14, Valentines Day), Vartan Kupelian has just earned the ire of every superintendent on the planet with this ridiculous note. And it appears on USGA.org of all places.

5. A Stimpmeter.

Where would we be without the Stimpmeter, a simple gadget that measures the speed of greens?

Probably playing more greens with grass on them for less money.

What’s more fun than telling people you made a 30-foot downhill putt? Telling them you made a 30-foot downhill putt, which was rolling at 12.5 on the Stimpmeter, sounds more invigorating. Think about how much that simple qualifier adds to the tale of making putts. Besides, it’s fun saying Stimpmeter and golf is, after all, supposed to be fun.

Yes, three putting all days on greens "Stimping" 12.5 is a joy! And for the good of the game.