Kenny G Post Round Press Conference

Never thought you'd read those words did you?

Really, it's time again to update the Rapture index. Why, you ask?

Because schmaltzy saxophonist Kenny G took up a spot in this weeks Nationwide Tour event. That's the PGA Tour operated circuit where aspiring professionals play and attempt to make a living with the hope of making the PGA Tour. But that didn't stop the tournament sponsor from bequeathing a sponsor's exemption to the frizzy Grammy-award winner (oh how wrong the Grammy’s get it sometimes!). Kenny G fired rounds of 82-83—165, but made up for his absurd appearance with many Yogiesque thoughts on wasting a spot in the field:

I played with Tiger once and we talked about this kind of stuff and he said “If you know what you need to do, just do it. Don’t wait until it’s comfortable. If I’m working on something, I’m going to do it in competition. I want to know what it feels like. I said I’m not going to go back. I’m going to do what I’m supposed to do.”

That wasn’t the best advice I got from Tiger. The best advice I got from Tiger was he told me to take the cashmere insert out of my driver. That’s the best advice I got from him.

Really. How special. Please, show us just how delusional you really are. Of course, you need help from someone who actually asked if your handicap index would go up after turning in your 82-83.

I don’t think my index will go up. I think the computer will spit them out. They’re too high. From the blue tees at Sherwood, you could tie one hand behind my back and I wouldn’t shoot higher than a 75 or 76. This is different. This is the big boys out here.

Yes, this the big boys. But come on, what held you back this week Kenny? 

Something’s going on with my putting. I’m going to go see Scotty Cameron and I’m going to get myself fixed up. With all that said, I haven’t worked on my putting. I’ve worked on my swing. I think I hit the ball good enough today. I just didn’t putt well enough. I think I should have been 2-3 under over my last 8 holes.

Tell us what this experience was like, you know, like, as an artist. And like, remind us how you missed your calling as one of Yogi Berra's joke writers.

As an artist, I have feel and putting is a lot of feel. I can feel it, but my body is just trained not to feel that.

For those who haven't screamed yet, consider this. Someone ask Kenny what song best describes his performance this week. I'd nominate that new duet with Richard Marx where they absolutely trample the soul out of "Sorry Seems to Be The Hardest Word."

The best song that suits my performance this week? It’s got to be a song that has a good heart. It has to be an innocent song and it has to have some sort of dramatic ending, but not necessarily a happy, dramatic ending. I wrote a song called “The Champion’s Theme” It’s about being a hero. It’s all in my mind; there are no words. It talks about feeling strong. I look at my score and some people might go “That guy sucks.” I look at that score and I feel really proud of what I did. I think a lot of guys might not be able to break 90-95 out here. They wouldn’t be able to do it for a lot of reasons. I feel like I really rose to the occasion. My swing came together. I didn’t lose my attitude, I didn’t get down on myself. I could have, easily.