Considering the madness witnessed in 2019, a few possibilities for 2020…
Distance Report Delayed Again – After PGA Tour distance averages show a one-yard decline through the first four weeks of 2020, the USGA and R&A decide (again) to delay their highly-anticipated distance insights study. “This year’s slight drop in no way means are players are less athletic, it should be noted,” Tweeted Commissioner Jay Monahan. “We praise the governing bodies for recognizing that the game is thriving and growing, especially with a younger demographic drawn to the aspirational joys of annually spending $550 on a driver to gain five yards off the tee.”
Load Management - A crowded schedule means the dreaded NBA phrase du jour of 2019 will come to golf in 2020. Brooks Koepka and Tiger Woods open as 2-1 favorites as the most likely to employ the phrase. Bryson DeChambeau, opens at a surprising 6-1. Explains oddsmaker Jeff Sherman, “Load management to Bryson is what ‘growing the game’ is to most players.”
DeChambeau Admits He Bulked Up Too Much - After not breaking 70 on the entire West Coast Swing, Bryson DeChambeau reluctantly admits his 30-pound off-season bulk-up has made a mess of his game. “The idea was right, but the type of proteins my team chose were all wrong,” DeChambeau said after firing his nutritionist, physio, West Coast chef, Trackman-carrier and upper-body masseuse. “In order to lose the pesky muscle, DeChambeau will skip the Florida swing and restrict his exercise to walks from the couch to his kitchen, where his new chef will feed him a protein-free diet.
Live Under Par Survives Another Year. The PGA Tour’s new CMO issues a full review of the most ridiculed slogan in all of slogandom. Rumored internal replacements emerge, including Fields Have Never Been Deeper, These Guys Are 18-49 Demo-Friendly Jocks, Never Laying Up From A Barstool, and finally, Chicks Dig Long, Dimpled (Golf) Balls. Said an internal source, “we still have a lot of Live Under Par T’s to move at this year’s Players before we can move forward with a new one.”
TPC Sawgrass To Get “Woke” Makeover - Responding to the rise of Sweetens Cove as one of the most beloved courses on the planet, Commissioner Monahan confirms a PGA Tour Policy Board decision to remodel the TPC Sawgrass clubhouse and entrance drive. Despite rumored cost overruns for the new Tour headquarter building, architect Norman Foster is hired to provide a re-imagined clubhouse by moving the entire 60,000 square foot operation underground, with only a double-wide and overgrown “TPC Sawgrass” sign above ground. The TPC’s recently renovated “driveway”, complete with tight turf and Disney World-inspired street lights, will be returned to a swampy dirt road hearkening to the course’s roots. However, players voted against a restoration of Pete Dye’s design to a more natural look, citing the possibility of unfair lies and the potential for white pant stains.
Tiger Woods Wins The Masters Again. After winless West Coast and Florida swings, Woods cruises to a five-stroke win as a group of fearless, win-loving young players fold down the stretch. Woods reaches the 13th green in two with a long-iron after the club unveils a new tee stretching the hole to 595 yards. Chairman Fred Ridley announced earlier in the week that the USGA and R&A helped pay for the new tee in an effort to not undertake further equipment regulation.
FedEx Fedup – Company CEO Fred Smith complains on a conference call with investors gets attention. Instead of addressing Amazon’s potentially fatal move into his business, he questions the bizarre positioning of FedEx’s hometown event, the WGC FedEx St. Jude. It is played in July as players focus on The Open Championship but also just prior to a fantastic two-day pro-am in Ireland that will include Tiger Woods. A bevy of players decide not to play the FedEx St. Jude after committing a year in advance to J.P McManus’ pre-Scottish Open pro-am. Smith groaned that an offer to fly the players to Ireland in a FedEx cargo plane the Sunday night prior was met with derision. “These guys are beauties,” the CEO told analysts who were more interested in whether Smith will have an answer to Amazon eating into revenues.
Mid-round interviews - One year after a failed attempt to allow for mid-round interviews, the PGA Tour copies the European Tour’s successful in-round chat model by transporting Sky Sports’ Tim Barter in to conduct them. The idea lasts one week after Barter tries to interview Patrick Reed following a possible rules violation and Reed’s caddie Kessler Karain threatens to physically harm the broadcaster.
Reed Wins Bobby Jones Award - After handling two more high-profile rules dust ups “like a gentleman,” the USGA announces that Reed has agreed to accept the Bobby Jones Award at the 2021 U.S. Open as long as wife Justine is also listed as co-winner.
Season Of (More) Championships - Bolstered by 2019’s Season Of Championships graphic depicting the Players, four majors and FedExCup as the beginning and end to the Season Of Championships, the PGA Tour allows sponsors to spend an additional $4 million to join the prestigious grouping. Only the John Deere Classic, which says it will lower its staggering annual $14 million donation to charitable causes in an effort to raise the tournament profile, accepts the opportunity.
At Least Two Longtime Golf Publications Will Cease Printing Issues - Yet,sophisticated golf journals are filling the printed void by ignoring any urge to appeal to demographics hostile to reading. Media executives search for solutions to this alarming trend.
TikTok Here We Come! - Despite concerns of spying, cyber security and unwanted harvesting of personal data, all of golf’s major organizations create TikTok accounts in 2020 to better reach the exploding youth audience that simply can’t get enough of golf coverage on the platform du jour. Oh wait, it’s already started. 2020 is here!
Happy New Year.
